i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
