my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
