theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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