i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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