he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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