it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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