True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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