She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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