Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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