theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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