there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
