Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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