I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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