You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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