pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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