Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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