He passed out mid-signature
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
