i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Randomize
