I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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