drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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