If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
