I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Randomize
