Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
