paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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