I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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