I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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