p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
