when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
