Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
