She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
MIDGETS
????
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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