If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
