I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
