im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
