After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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