I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
