So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wear drunk well.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
