She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
