I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
