I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
