I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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