you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
