She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
