my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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