he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize