My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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