just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
