I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
