Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
