I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
