I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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