I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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