probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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