I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize