i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
