I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
