did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Found your dick twin last night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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