I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
