you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
