Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
