I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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