WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
