tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
